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Mafia Gazette Past Issue 4
17th August, 2005 'RESISTANCE IS FATAL ' The death toll is still mounting and a new study has shown that the biggest killer on the streets is no disease. It is the Police Forces round the country that are responsible for a major proportion of the deaths every day. Criminals evading capture are more likely to be shot and killed than harmed by any other means and certain officials have become alarmed at the number of people who still try to evade capture despite prior warnings against such measures. Shanking came out as the second biggest killer, with retaliatory strikes coming a close third, however the numbers of these two together was less than half the total of deaths from resisting arrest. Police forces from around the country have joined in signing a petition to try to put an end to these killings, however, it is thought that the thousand-signature long document may be ineffective against the determined criminals who continue to be shot and killed. Therapists are currently being drafted in to police stations throughout the community to council those officers who are traumatised by the number of Police-Assisted Suicides, as they are termed. These PASs are having far-reaching effects on the ability of officers to do their jobs, and could be leading to more people being killed. Commissioner Harding of the Chicago Police Force has asked that all members of the community should give themselves up peacefully when police try to apprehend them in a desperate bid to slow the death toll and cut the mounting costs of psychiatric treatment for distressed officers and families. 'POWER BLACKOUTS BRING CITIES TO A STANDSTILL' Major power outages brought the cities to a standstill today in some of the worst blackouts in recent history. All commerce stopped while the sources of the problems were located and people elected to stay indoors for the duration. A spokesman for the Allied Power Company Conglomerate stated that they as yet did not know of the reason behind the blackouts, but these would be fully investigated. When pressed, the spokesman said that he could not rule out tampering with the power grids, and the fact that it had been country-wide indicated that there may be sabotage involved. Further investigations will be carried out over the next few days, and the results will be available by the weekend. People have been told not to panic if another blackout occurs, but to stay indoors and wait till it is remedied. Candles, tinned food and powdered milk should be stored together along with matches, a supply of fresh water, and a tin opener in case of another emergency. 'MEDICAL RATES ACROSS THE COUNTRY SKY HIGH' By: Steve Damus In the last few weeks, residents of Chicago have been accident prone to the most extreme degree imaginable. Many citizens have decided to do like their fathers told them and "walk it off". But other victims of so-called "hunting accidents" have decided to seek professional help. In the true spirit of capitalism, the local hospital raised it's outpatient rate to $1000 an hour. When similar circumstances began to arise all over the country the hospitals banded together and followed suit, creating a nationwide medical system known simply as "Hospital". Many former patients with lower salaries decided to raise a class action suit against this new alliance, making their voices heard and successfully carrying their case all the way to The Supreme Court. In record breaking speed, the Supreme Court made their ruling only days later stating simply "The group that has called themselves 'Hospital' are not violating any laws." It seems as if the entire matter had come to a close when the Judge continued "...But due to increased liability Hospital is so ordered to keep all current and future outpatients within city limits until such time as they are returned to perfect health". And so in the span of a few weeks the medical system in our country was altered forever. DRUG PRICES By: Jimmy_Luciano Prices on America's cash crop of today, soar say's local authorities, referring to marijuana. Flower-toting, Peace-loving drug user Ryan Allen was quoted as saying "Dude it's like so hard to pay for a bag of Mary, that's forcing us cool cat's to get a second job, not cool dude." Indeed the sign's are obvious that the price of America's most widely used drug isn't going to drop. Reason's for the increase in price are still sceptical. Although a grower of the plant said it was due to the dry weather the nation is having. "It's so durn hot out here you could fry an egg on the road, add that the fact we ain't had no water you couldn't even grow some of them there ears of corn." But the local authorities say the jump in prices is due to them raiding these so called "Field's of Dreams." ATF special agent Ralph Holmes stated "In the last month we have seized and burned ten thousand acres of marijuana, seized fifty-six drying sheds with assorted manufacturing equipment, seized over a hundred trafficking vehicles and busted eighteen hundred individuals with manufacturing and being accessories to the manufacturing." The price of the drug has forced some Mafioso to change their type of trafficking and resort to more profitable drugs. There has been speculation that these recent bust are apart of "Operation Clean-up" government attempts to eliminate organized crime. If these bust or the dry weather we are having are the causes, it seems that the price of the drug is no where near the decline of it's price, but on a steady rise. 'THE RABBIT WARREN' CHOOSING A RHM Choosing the perfect right-hand man is a bit like choosing the perfect suit. You want him tailored to your specifications, you want to be able to breathe and be comfortable when he is around you, and when you need him to make you look good, you want to know you can depend on his quality and polish. So where do you find this magical right-hand man? It's not going to be in a Cracker Jack box. A right-hand man will usually come from your inner circle or be someone you've known for a long time. A right-hand man is someone you need to trust almost implicitly, so a history between you is very important. You want to know if the guy is willing to get his fingernails dirty for you or how he handles himself under bright lights. You can't do that with someone who is newer to your life than your last pair of underwear. So why do you need a right-hand man? Well, because you can't do it all yourself. If you have ambition and you want to grow, you eventually need help. You need to surround yourself with people you can rely on, people you know will keep the boat sailing straight. Chosen well, a right-hand man will act as your part time replacement, your diplomat, your man of the "people," your ear to the ground, your enforcer, and your sounding board. Chosen badly, he can make you look stupid, weak, diminish your standing, and cause dissent in your ranks. A right-hand man is crucial to expanding your power base. He can strengthen your position as leader, give you credibility, and act as an advisor. He won't replace you, but during short periods of time, he can take your place and act as your proxy. So what are the traits of a good right-hand man? I'd like to think the most important is that he'll be your enemies' enemy first and foremost. If the people you can't stand can't stand your right-hand man, you're on the right path. Some other traits he should possess: Loyal: He has to be loyal to you, and be 100% behind you. You don't want any eager beavers getting your back. Trusting him is paramount. Complementary characteristics: I'm not saying he has to be your polar opposite, but he shouldn't be your twin. If you are the big picture, he should be all about the details. If you like to lead with an iron fist, he should enforce with soft words. Short temper for you, patience for him. Etc Competent: If your right-hand man is a fighter , the rest doesn't matter; your right-hand man has to know what he is doing and be able to do a good job, or else you might as well put a monkey up on the throne while you're out of town. Quiet leader: Ideally, your right-hand man isn't necessarily the screamer, he is a behind-the-scenes kind of guy that leads by example and not with his mouth. Doesn't always happen if your right-hand is named Dino and is 6'6", 250 pounds. Gets his hands dirty: He has to be willing to do your dirty work. Sometimes you can't get involved and you have to do the good cop/bad cop thing; you should be the good cop and he should be the one person no one messes with. Respected by others: It's easy to forget that if your right-hand isn't considered a right-hand man by others, he won't get too far. He has to be respected and seen as your worthy sidekick. Silent in support: Like loyalty, every disagreement he might have, he tells you in private, never in front of others, even if you insult his mother. Isn't too ambitious: Sure, he has to be able to stand in as your substitute, but he has to know you are not replaceable. If he gets ahead of himself, he can start plotting your downfall. As your right-hand man, he has front-row access to your weaknesses. He should use that position to act as your Consigliere , not to undermine you. Takes care of your needs: Whether someone needs to be taught a lesson, or you need a broad to relieve your "tension," a message sent or extra cash flow this month, he will tell you "it's done," and get it done. You don't have to repeat things, you say things once and he takes care of it. Well-spoken: People will assume he speaks on your behalf, so he can't be an illiterate buffoon. If you cringe when he speaks, he might not make a good representative. Choosing a right-hand man isn't something you should take lightly. Some people take years before settling on the right person. It doesn't mean you can't have people around you that you trust and who do a good job for you, but it means no one will ever ascend as your successor. Choose a right-hand man wisely, and you will grow, it's that simple. Frankly, we all need one. They take care of the details while we focus on dominating the world. Just make sure he doesn't turn into Brutus. Watch your backs and keep your noses clean 'LETTER TO THE EDITOR:' Dear Editor, This is an anonymous fan of the Gazette. I was walking along the streets on LA to my office and I couldn’t help but take a peek at the Gazette. I'd like to say the Gazette is so good, and an amazing read in the crapper. Keep up the good work! I'd like to remain anonymous for reasons I won't tell you and hope it’s not a problem. Signed, Red_Rabbit. *Crosses Red_Rabbit out frantically and re-writes* Signed, Anonymous extremely good looking and smart fan. 'CLASSIFIED ADS' Anyone wishing to submit an ad should mail it to Tallulah, Editor of the Gazette in Chicago. All ads are free. Jim's Gentlemen's Club now open in New York come see Tanya and our new lady, Candi Lap dances are free All Topless All Awesome Come on Down now Mail JimRat for details and questions -------------------------------------- Hello all you wise guys and gals, my name in Vida. I am offering a horse trading service to you guys who can't purchase them yourself. I work on a percentage basis. Please contact me for more information and rates. See you at the stables. Contact: Vida2 ------------------------------------- Eraser's House of Hair Removal and Gender Adjustment now open. Grand Opening special: Facial Hair Removal - $10.00 Sewing Circle Special (this month only): Gender reconfiguration - $99.95 Our motto is "What They Don't Know, Won't Hurt 'em!" For all inquiries, please contact The_Eraser, owner and operator. Offer not valid in Chicago and New Jersey ------------------------------------- NEED A BREAK? YOU WANT TO GET "CONNECTED?" Then Dammit come to Dr Lipbalm's office Chicago on 7th street This doctor of journalism can help you get a head, arranging meet and greets, organising crime conventions. Avoiding those crazed narcotic agents. Drop by, reasonable prices......Free drink of tea. 'REFERENCES' 1. 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